Finding religion in times of pain

As some of you may know I have been going through a rough patch, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to streams of tears falling down my cheeks. This is what my life had become now, the mistrust, the pain and the heartache. I believe my partner met up with/spent the night with the woman he has been secretly dating. While some may say why am I still with him/you deserve this… I thought long and hard about that very thing, the answers to those questions are as follows… I love him and I am weak and this is my penance.

I finally dragged myself out of bed, did my hair, put on my make up and did something most out of the ordinary…. I went to a church

Im going to take this moment to say that I am not a churchgoer in any way shape or form, I haven’t been to church in years except for the odd wedding/christening or funeral. I have never found it to be something I would chose to do with my time but today something said maybe I should go. I drove down the road, to a church just outside my village and walked up the path, communion was starting and I broke down.

As i was standing outside looking up at the building, my heart broke into thousands of tiny pieces. A couple of people walked past me, each with a cheery “morning”. Then a young boy, probably about 18-20 years old, I never was good at ages. Asked me if I was alright, he asked if I would like him to stay with me or if I would like to be left on my own. I asked him to stay, I didn’t want to be alone, he offered me a cup of tea and we walked in together. Ive got to say I never once felt ashamed.

While we were stood inside I couldn’t help apologising to him, this was his sunday, his time with God and his friends and I was taking him away from that. He never once made me feel like a burden, telling me I was bold for coming on my own for the first time. Trust me bold was not the emotion I was feeling. We went in to sit at the back and listen to the sermon, when an elderly lady asked why I had come today. I told her I was going through a difficult time and she took me into a side room, we chatted for a while. I told her I was being stupid and her response was simple…. anything that causes you pain is not stupid. I told her my story and we prayed together.

We rejoined the communion, listening to the hymns and psalms being told. Being given an inordinate another of tissues, I couldn’t work out if I felt alone or not. I felt something, now Im not going to say the hand of god or divine intervention but there is something comforting in knowing you are not alone. In a world full of pain there are people who pray for others, who’s hearts are with others and that is pure goodness.

As I was heading to leave the vicar spoke to me, we prayed together and talked a little. She suggested another service for me to attend and to meet up for coffee, I could have hugged her at that moment. She doesn’t have to do that, I am a stranger, I am nothing more than a random who walked in off the street.

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