The pain of being alone

I’ll be honest with you all, for the past several months I have been completely alone. Now I know some people will say your single its nothing to get upset about. And they are probably right but I can’t shift the feeling that i am not good enough. I never make it past the first few dates either by their decision or mine. You’ll start talking to someone, begin to develop feelings and then get dropped like you’re nothing. 

Yes i know I’ve been no angel in my life, I’ve done things I’m not proud of. This has been the year from hell for me and for once I would like to find some true happiness. Not something built on lies and dishonesty but something true, something real.

I spend every night just wanting to cry my eyes out, I go overboard at christmas, birthdays and any other occasion for other people because I know what its like to matter to no one and that feeling is unlike any other. The numbing realisation that no one has noticed your pain, and aren’t bothered that another human being is in pain. I don’t want to be alone, i don’t know how to cope with this and I don’t know if i can. I guess i just want to matter to someone, to be the centre of someones world. The way so many of my friends have experienced and continue to experience to this day.

i am tired of always pretending to be ok because guess what guys I’m not ok but what is anyone going to do about it. I have let people know me in ways that they don’t deserve and yet I keep putting myself out there and getting hurt all over again. I can’t do it anymore I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore. whats the point, why bother when the result is always the same. Hope truly is a terrible thing when its crushed.

I wish i had a fairy godmother who could come along and fix my life, well that will never happen. who ever said its better to have loved and lost , was absolutely ridiculous. I wish id never felt love because heres the shocker…. i wouldn’t long for it. I want to curl up in a corner and give up, I’ve got nothing left. Given my past experiences I’m not meant to find someone, I’ve got to learn to be on my own and except it.