The day I got a mortgage…

I got a mortgage today…. off my ex-boyfriend who I used to live with.

So today i got a mortgage off my independent mortgage broker ex-boyfriend who i once lived with and had a mortgage with. Crazy i know but when has my life ever been normal, when have i ever done the sensible thing. This is not one of those times, we when through all of the finances, life cover, critical illness and income protection. and fuck my life this shit is expensive, I also love that fact that i was once given anti anxiety/depression medication from the doctor. Of which i took two pills, felt terrible and never touched them again and i won’t recommend them to anyone. The delightful upside of that is that i can’t be insured against time off work for anxiety/stress/depression, which is ever so nice of insurance companies.

That basically saying i know you have had a problem so tough shit, i feel the need to point out that i don’t suffer from any of those things. but doctors love a good prescription now please leave my surgery kind of approach. it really does suck ass.

The most surprising part, which caught me off guard was when we went out for tea afterwards. He told me about going to Florida with his girlfriend next year and it hurt. I felt a pain in my heart that i wasn’t expecting to feel but what can you do. I can’t say anything, i can’t do anything. He is now really successful, good life, good car, good girlfriend. I am happy for him. After we split he went through a rough patch, couldn’t afford food. I was that worried i went out and bought him food, I never stopped loving him, i never stopped caring. If i met him now things would be different, we made some bad choices which pushed us apart and we were never adult enough to talk about them. I just left, i let him down.

He is/was the love of my life and here i am, alone and trying to be strong. watching him relive our holidays with his new girlfriend and do all the things me and him never did. he makes that effort because we failed, i often ask myself why did we have to go through that for him to become the man he is now. I stand by him through good and bad, for someone else to get the best of him. I’m not too proud to admit I’m jealous, it hurts my very soul.

Does that make me a bad person?

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