Fighting against the machine…

Given that i work for a fashion retailer I should be used to the pressure by now but it really doesn’t stop. The run up to christmas is challenging to say the least, the thing is though i love the how busy it gets and the weeks where you’re absolutely smashing budget really are awesome. I was just wondering does anyone else have days when you feel completely demotivated, kind of like your best isn’t good enough. Are they looking for holes in your work or are you actually bad at your job.

its a question i often ponder myself on slightly more than a regular basis, the long hours, tough budgets and little recognition make me think is this the right path for me. i guess thats compounded by the house buying as lets be honest you are giving up a certain amount of freedom and being tied to your job for pretty much the rest of your life, unless something pretty substantial happens. Is this the life i want for myself? yes i want to be independent but how long before the novelty wears off and I’m like crap i have no money, everything is so difficult, will i still have a drivers licence by that point…. this being the scariest point i feel i should add.

today has been both mentally and physically exhausting, its the feeling of judgement that i think gets to me the most. If you picture the scenario that you have to motivate your team and you get pressure to do that but no one motivates you in fact the opposite. you get pressure from all sides, looking for your weakness, looking for you to break. and there are times that you find it to be unbearable you get home and go to bed, you don’t do anything at all, you don’t go out, you don’t socialise… not even with the people living in the same house as you. you just want to be alone as you have nothing left to give, there is no petrol left in the tank to keep going.

sitting here i find this whole writing a blog rather therapeutic, i can talk about my life and whats going on, in all honesty i enjoy the feeling of putting it all out there. you may agree with my choices or you may disagree with them but that is what makes people interesting we don’t have to all be the same and have the same outlook on life. there are some who will think what i talk about is mundane and boring but hey ho I’m not here to please them.

oh and i have tried to start replying to text messages straight away, as if you knew me well you would know that i am utterly atrocious at texting back. i will leave it so long that i forget you even text me and i will never reply. the think is you know what I’m terrible at thinking up a good reply. this may be because I’m texting a couple of men, I do the whole online dating thing. yes I’m one of those women but i enjoy it, it make me happy and lets be honest about the reality. you don’t meet men you are going to spend the rest of your life with on a night out. that or I’m just attracted to the wrong sort.

me and my friends do have a running joke that if i was put in a room with a thousand decent men i would find the one arsehole. maybe i was never destined for the happily ever after.




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