Being mid-way in a storm…

I hate being a ranty type of person but i guess its the best way that I can be real. These are my thoughts as I experience them, these are my feelings as i feel them. I may not be the most eloquent of writers but at least I am honest about my feelings, well as honest as I can be without giving too much away.

So I reserved a house yesterday, a nice little three bedroom terraced house. I am now completely skint from now until the end of time and I am so scared. I question whether I have done the right thing or not. should i have bought this house, its a new build, I have to buy carpets and my god they are expensive and then you need the underlay. Houses are expensive, living is expensive but it would be mine and god knows what I’m going to do when the interest rates go up. I kept going round and round in circles in my mind and then I just went for it, don’t get me wrong its nothing massive, quite small and I’m going to have to work a lot with the space. given that my chances of meeting a man are slim to none, I need to move out of my parents as you can’t live with your mam and dad for the rest of your life can you.

I keep concerning myself with the bank of england base rate, council tax, price of carpets and solicitors fees. god living isn’t cheap. Now i wish my life just went smoothly but I am getting points on my licence so god only knows if I’ll still have my licence in the next several days. I’ll not go into the details because i get myself so worked up and upset, i can’t change it i know that. but i just wish i was a house hermit and didn’t go to see my friends, its not like i was tired or had a drink. I was in perfect driving condition, I was sure of the directions so was following a sat nav, trying to follow that checking all roads coming everywhere because it was dark. Im sure something wasn’t working properly because I blinked and it was different.

On another topic my friends are expecting a baby, its exciting stuff. they are moving into the next chapter of their lives, they are the first of our group of friends to have a child. so it answered that question that we were all asking. they will be perfect parents i am sure and i hope them all the happiness in the world.

ridiculous situation that i find myself in, I’m going to ireland for four days to spend time with the lad i met in america. i mean how stupid is that, i keep telling myself i should have drawn a line under him when he went back home. the whole time we were in america we spent pretty much every evening together and he never suggested at having any feelings of any description. so i kept telling myself to feel the same, when he left i was working in another state so didn’t see him. I got a text not long before he left, sating he was really going to miss me. i was so frustrated when i read it, i mean he really picks his moments. but should it have ended there, why am i going to see him. i mean after i see him, things are going to peeter out like they should have done a couple of weeks ago. Why am i doing this to myself…. looking forward to seeing him…. knowing it will hurt more. I really am a sucker for a hard life.

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