For those of you who already know about a month ago I found out I was pregnant, the father was less than desirable to say the least, and I was faced with the worst decision a woman could make. To carry on with the pregnancy and be a single parent or terminate the pregnancy and try to rebuild my life. Continue reading
So I’ve had to travel to London for a visa interview. It’s rather scary if I’m honest, but I guess all embassy’s are the same. Here’s some of the bizarre things I noticed being in the capital…. Continue reading
So I thought I was just putting my mind at rest when i took a pregnancy test two weeks ago. Yeah my mind was not put at rest, within 30 seconds it came up positive…. oh my god what do I do!!!! Continue reading
This is a question which I have asked myself today, more than once and in great detail. Is it wrong to fall in love? Most people would jump to the answer of no not at all. However is it wrong to fall in love with a married man? Most people would say yes. Is it wrong to fall in love with a married man who hides it from you, and by the time you find out you’ve already fallen in love? Continue reading
“Do you know anyone in the police?” Thats what Carl shouted at me today. It was one of those moments that stops you in the tracks from a mixture of curiosity and fear.
“You what now?” I think was my response through the look of what have you been smoking. Continue reading
Ok so I think I should point out I’m mixing a bit of past and present at the moment, just to keep you up to speed. A while ago I met a new guy, he was funny, cute, we had loads in common it was scary. I couldn’t believe that I’d managed to land on my feet… or so I thought. Continue reading
So as you may have guessed I was less than impressed at the man who professed to love me was lying to me all along. But then I decided to take a look at myself, don’t get me wrong I spent many a night crying myself to sleep and hating him for what he did. After all the pain and the hurt I was mentally and physically exhausted. I couldn’t carry on as holding all that and pain was killing me, not him but me. I realised that while you can hate and you can cry the only person feeling that pain is you. They at the end of the day feel nothing, they don’t care. They aren’t going to stay awake at night worrying over what they did to you, they are going to spend their days looking after themselves. So thats what you have to do, you have to look after yourself.
I went out with my friends, went for days away, meals out and laughed about the most random of things. It was then that I found I didn’t need him to feel happy, we were not supposed to be together. At the end of the day we were barely together and when we lived together he was loving and loyal. It was simply a case of two people who loved each other but met too soon in life to appreciate that they had. I wish him no ill will, no hurt, no pain. I fact when we do speak these days, and he talks about how happy he is with his new partner I smile and feel happy inside. This is because when it all comes down to it I want him to find happiness wherever that may be.
My journey is believe me no where near that smooth, I have been knocked down more times than I care to think about and I’m still picking up the pieces…. some are still falling off. A very wise woman told me today, its all about picking out the positives in everyday no matter how small. Today my positive was one of my work friends telling me I am a strong, intelligent woman…. even if I do have a terrible taste in men haha. I’ve got to love him, James is one of those rare people who has been through it all. He has had to drag himself up through some of the worst crap imaginable and he pulls no punches. There’s been many a day when he’s told me I look like crap…. my response…. yeah i couldn’t be bothered with make up i wanted the lie in.
Don’t get me wrong he drives me up the wall, but if you ever need someone he is there. He gives you not the advice that you want to hear but the advice that you need to hear. And guys trust me he’s lived through it so you know it works. I’ve given him my phone on many an occasion, he’s deleted numbers… messages… photos so I don’t get any daft ideas. If you only ever take one piece of advice from me its find yourself a friend like that and don’t let them go.
Ok so I’d like to point out I wasn’t living there at the time. We were once very much in love, i couldn’t imagine my life without him. Then everything became stale, we took each other for granted. That spark, that fire just fizzled out. No one did anything wrong, there was never anyone to blame. I remember the day I left sitting on the sofa waiting for him to come home, my heart was pounding in my chest. When I got my words out there was nothing really said, he went out and I left for my parents.
Over the following months we tried to make a go of it but nothing really stuck. It was like two people playing a role but not really living it. We were both lost souls not knowing what to do. Thinking date nights and weekends away would fix it but its like putting a plaster on a gapping wound, it fixes nothing. Then one day I bumped into one of this friends that he worked with and he mentioned how calm I was being about Ella. My first thought was what the fuck! Who’s this Ella? Then he told me very calmly thats theres not many woman who would carry on paying a mortgage while there ex had moved another woman in.
I have never felt rage like it, five minutes later i got a message from him saying he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. My blood ran cold, hate flowed through my entire body. How could anyone do that to another person. At this point I’d like to point out I hadn’t been to the house in months, always saying it was too much for me, that we would just fall back into the old routines. Looking back it was perfect for him. So one day I had a thought, I still had my keys, they were both working late, if I just let myself in I would find out the truth.
I mean my source of information was not the most reliable and prone to gossip, so I’m not about to risk everything on one persons story but if I went round and there was nothing there then more foul me and if there was then at least I would know. So that evening I let myself in…….
Smack! right in the face, her things were everywhere, make-up under the coffee table, books in the bookcase, clothes in the cupboard. Even a cute little sign saying this is where she could put her things. Well fuck him!!
Or at least that is what I thought at first, I wanted him to burn for what he did. But then all that was about to change…..
In my absolute genius i managed to lock myself out of my last blog so here I am starting again and seeing what happens. I write about life and relationships some bits based on my life some bits not. My advice is don’t read to much into the truth and just enjoy the drama of the story after all thats exactly what it is…. a story.